Bummed your talking stage, potentially inching toward something genuine, ghosted you around Valentine’s Day? Despite the initial conversation that seemed to flow effortlessly, you are left wondering what went wrong and why they suddenly iced you out. Don’t beat yourself up. This pattern may point to a particular attachment style that helps describe this emotional back and forth better.
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We spoke to Dr Anjalika Atrey, psychiatrist, de-addiction specialist, and sexologist, who agreed that in clinical practice too, many cases of relationship concerns roote din this emotional whiplash come up where the partner who seemed deeply invested at the start suddenly becomes distant, less expressive, and emotionally unavailable.
Now, what this does is it leaves the other confused and they keep finding themselves questioning.
What is this attachment style?
The psychiatrist explained that this behavioural pattern is frequently associated with an avoidant attachment style. A common misconception is wondering why they are even in the dating scene if they refuse to commit. Doesn’t that mean they don’t believe in love?
To which Dr Atrey answered, “It is important to clarify that avoidant partners are not afraid of love. What they fear is the loss of independence and emotional control that deeper intimacy can bring.”
Why does the back and forth happen?
What goes wrong even if the beginning felt like a thrill, checking all the boxes from chemistry to compatibility? Turns out, according to the psychiatrist, for avoidant individuals, early intimacy is relatively safe because of minimal expectations and little emotional dependence, which makes the closeness viable without triggering anxiety. But for the other person, it may signal emotional investment, and they may mistake it for commitment.
“As the bond deepens and emotional expectations grow, closeness can start to feel overwhelming,” Dr Atrey mentioned.
But just as things start to get serious, avoidant partners step away, leaving the other partner confused or hurt. The psychiatrist described the avoidants’ feeling trapped.
She elaborated, “As intimacy increases, avoidant partners may feel emotionally overloaded or trapped. Many have learned early in life that closeness can feel unsafe or demanding.”
So, because of their past experience, they begin to pull away as a way to protect themselves. Dr Atrey emphasised that this does not happen because of lost interest but as a way to regain balance.
Explaining the goal, she noted, “It enables individuals to reduce internal distress and regain a sense of emotional autonomy.”
However, this coping mechanism creates a lot of misunderstandings, leaving partners interpreting the ‘space’ as rejection or indifference.
What to do if you are dating a person with avoidant attachment style?
If you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, one moment they are close, next, they pull away. The psychiatrist listed out some tips which aren’t about changing them, but about creating a safe and steady space that supports the relationship while protecting your own emotional wellbeing.
- Avoid chasing or demanding reassurance
- Stay emotionally consistent, not intense
- Set clear, healthy boundaries early
- Allow vulnerability to grow slowly
- Don’t assume withdrawal means rejection
- Stay grounded in your own emotional security
- Talk openly about space and closeness
- Consider attachment-focused therapy
- Don’t try to ‘fix’ or analyse them
In the end, Dr Atrey reiterated that avoidant partners don’t withdraw because they don’t care. They withdraw because closeness can feel overwhelming. “Partners who maintain their own emotional balance and independence often create a safer relational environment for avoidant individuals,” she shared. With understanding, couples move from confusion to compassion, and from distance to a healthier connection.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your doctor with any questions about a medical condition.
