Men, have you often heard women you date saying the phrase, “I hate men”? If you have ever felt stumped about how to respond to the emotions your potential partner is displaying, Kelsey, a licensed therapist and coach who specialises in childhood trauma, attachments and hyper independence, shared a ‘survival guide’ for men dating a woman who ‘hates men.’
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On January 10, Kelsey posted a guide for men on how to behave and respond to their date when she says ‘I hate men.’ Sharing the post, Kelsey wrote, “A Survival guide for men dating a woman…who hates men. Spoiler: She doesn’t. She hates patriarchy, fear, and being tired.”
What does ‘I hate men’ really mean?
Explaining what women usually mean when they say “I hate men,” Kelsey shared that by this phrase, women are actually saying: “I’ve had enough experiences to be cautious…and a little feral…and a lot fed up.”
“She has either been the girl, or one of her friends has been the girl, who has actually had something happen to her. This isn’t a far-off belief that something could happen to her; likely, it already has. By a man,” the therapist explained.
Next, she shared the worst thing a man can say to his date when she is expressing the atrocious behaviour she has experienced from men. “The literal worst thing you can say: ‘Not all men.’ This is the fastest way to lose her trust (or not earn it). She doesn’t hear reassurance; she hears a man centring himself (again). You are basically saying, ‘I’m uncomfortable with your reality, can we talk about how great I am instead?’”
What can you say instead?
According to the therapist, you can try something like this instead: “’That’s messed up. I’m sorry you dealt with that. How can I support you?’ or ‘It makes sense you would feel that way. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all this.’ Congratulations, you are now emotionally literate. Hot.”
Explaining why women have such feelings towards men, the therapist explained how men and women have two very different outlooks when going out for a date. “Same place, Same night: 2 different dates. Men on a first date: ‘I hope she likes me.’ Women on a first date: ‘I hope he doesn’t murder me.’ Different stakes = different behaviours. Respect it,” she cautioned men.
The therapist also noted that women’s safety habits aren’t about the man she is going out on a date with. She further added that if a woman takes her own car, texts a friend her date’s name, meets in public, and googles her date, she’s not being dramatic. Rather, she’s being smart and safe.
“It’s not about you. If you are really one of the good ones, nothing to worry about, then right?” she added.
‘Don’t sell yourself as a good guy’
Next, the therapist advised men against selling themselves as a ‘good guy’. She added, “Don’t say, ‘But I’m one of the good ones.’ It’s like when you’re playing Mafia, and you’re saying, ‘I’m def not in the Mafia.’ Just be a good one. And do it consistently.”
Additionally, she suggested men use humour wisely and not to diminish women’s experiences. “Humour helps; minimising doesn’t. You can joke and laugh with her, about her ‘feral she devil energy.’ You cannot joke about the things that created it or laugh at her. Playful, not patriarchal.”
‘She’s not testing you’
Many men believe that women are testing them on dates. The therapist contradicted this and explained, “She’s just watching how you handle: feedback, boundaries, discomfort, emotions. Stay grounded, be calm, be consistent and leave space for her experiences.”
Moreover, the therapist highlighted that allyship means action, and it definitely isn’t saying ‘not all men.’ Sharing examples, she noted that allyship is believing her, listening, calling out other men, learning on your own, and taking accountability.
Lastly, she shared the real secret behind the ‘I hate men’ phrase. She explained that it actually means, “She doesn’t hate men. She hates feeling unsafe, unheard, and unconsidered. Be a safe place, you become her safe place. When in doubt: She’s not asking you to carry the weight of all men, just not to add to it.”
